Where are we now?

I want to write something but no words really seem to fit. I am coming out of (I hope) a nasty period of depressive thinking that started early in January. It scared me as has been the first time I have really felt that low since diagnosis (I naively thought that when I was diagnosed I would never be depressed again now I had the knowledge of  why I may have struggled.)

Despite this in the last few days I have made some revelations (with help from my partner) which will help me to find more moments of peace and enjoyment in the future and hopefully limit these periods of difficulty and doubt.

Writing about my diagnosis and reconciling myself with my past is part of that process. I feel my vocabulary is limited at the moment (partly due to lack of exercising it and partly because of burnout) but I want to at least start fleshing out some of subjects I want to write on. Quite a few of these are interlinked so I hope I can start seeing the connections a little more clearly and break some of these old mental patterns.

  1. Perfectionist patterns – How I have set impossible standards for myself, how I have projected that onto my life and how a lot of the time I don’t try as I am so scared of failing (mainly about relationships and work)
  2. Shame – Why haven’t felt good enough (lack of diagnosis contributing), why I continue to not feel good enough (perfectionism)
  3. Stress – Why do I get so stressed (perfectionism, shame, outside factors like sensory issues, overactive mind meaning I struggle to relax)
  4. Visual stress – Will I ever get myself tested for Meares-Irlen Syndrome ??
  5. Empathy and emotions – How to be there for someone but not getting completely absorbed by the other persons feelings (hyper empathy).
  6. More on diagnosis – my journey before, my journey after
  7. Relationships –  Friends and partner and all the complications associated.
  8. Identity and Masculinity – Am I masking to fit in or is this who I am.
  9. Positive things – Things that have helped me (exercise, mindfulness, nature, pretending I’m Mick Jagger)

 

The next day

Make that next year.

I could beat myself up at this point about why it’s been a year since I have written a post (I only managed one to begin with) as that would fit in with my well worn habit of berating myself for not achieving constantly. I am not going to do that.

Things happen when they need to and now feels like the time to write. I have had three hours sleep so any words are a start. I will start small and build up. I cant expect to be writing witty, insightful prose straight away but I will always try and write with the truth of the moment and my experience.

Diagnosis (Part one of many)

Approaching two weeks since my Aspergers diagnosis. I was lucky enough to be able to pay for a assessment privately, rather then the potential year long wait on the NHS. This means its has been a short period of around two months of first exploring the possibility of having Aspergers (will go into that in another post) and being diagnosed.

Over the last two weeks my mind (feels like) it has swung in every possible direction in terms of how I feel about the diagnosis. I have to keep reminding myself this is normal and to be expected. This is not a Hollywood movie where a diagnosis would instantly remove years of self-loathing and internal struggle. I am generally treating myself with a lot more kindness and not entering a well-worn downward spiral if I have days where I struggle.

Acceptance isn’t going to be instant. Life might always be difficult. But I am excited about the framework I can hopefully put in place that will allow me to flourish.