I want to write something but no words really seem to fit. I am coming out of (I hope) a nasty period of depressive thinking that started early in January. It scared me as has been the first time I have really felt that low since diagnosis (I naively thought that when I was diagnosed I would never be depressed again now I had the knowledge of why I may have struggled.)
Despite this in the last few days I have made some revelations (with help from my partner) which will help me to find more moments of peace and enjoyment in the future and hopefully limit these periods of difficulty and doubt.
Writing about my diagnosis and reconciling myself with my past is part of that process. I feel my vocabulary is limited at the moment (partly due to lack of exercising it and partly because of burnout) but I want to at least start fleshing out some of subjects I want to write on. Quite a few of these are interlinked so I hope I can start seeing the connections a little more clearly and break some of these old mental patterns.
- Perfectionist patterns – How I have set impossible standards for myself, how I have projected that onto my life and how a lot of the time I don’t try as I am so scared of failing (mainly about relationships and work)
- Shame – Why haven’t felt good enough (lack of diagnosis contributing), why I continue to not feel good enough (perfectionism)
- Stress – Why do I get so stressed (perfectionism, shame, outside factors like sensory issues, overactive mind meaning I struggle to relax)
- Visual stress – Will I ever get myself tested for Meares-Irlen Syndrome ??
- Empathy and emotions – How to be there for someone but not getting completely absorbed by the other persons feelings (hyper empathy).
- More on diagnosis – my journey before, my journey after
- Relationships – Friends and partner and all the complications associated.
- Identity and Masculinity – Am I masking to fit in or is this who I am.
- Positive things – Things that have helped me (exercise, mindfulness, nature, pretending I’m Mick Jagger)